Last year I went through a real low point. A lot of things came together and knocked me for six. For a time I felt I couldn’t cope with even the basic everyday stuff. I was suffering from depression, probably Post Adoption Depression but whatever label you give it I was at the point of breaking down completely. It can happen to the best of us, it feels debilitating. I was lucky enough to be surrounded with good people, kind people who supported me and got me back on my feet. I also took some counselling sessions which helped.
Every now and again I feel like life gets on top of me and for periods of time I feel like I have gone right back to where I was last year, depressed, overwhelmed, unable to sleep and just downright sad. When I feel like this I can’t get things done effectively, my brain is like mush. A lot of this time I feel useless, that I am not good enough to cope with the complexities of my children. I spend a lot of time worrying about them. Sometimes I lie in bed with silent tears, not telling anybody how I feel because I don’t want to be a burden, sometimes the tears flow freely as they did yesterday. This worries The Hubster but actually as I explained the tears are good, far better to release every now and again than bottle everything up and end up having a break-down.
I try to keep my personal facebook page relatively light-hearted because people can be judgemental and I worry about being judged tremendously. I can’t help it. Yesterday I let slip I was feeling overwhelmed but I tried to make a joke about grinning and bearing it (or grimacing?). I had spent a sleepless night worrying about Girl and some school issues, some new behaviours, worrying about everyday things like making ends meet, worrying about Boy but you know it was a lot to think about, even Harry the dog was on my list of worries because he hadn’t eaten for 48 hours. This last few weeks Girl has developed some new tics and obsessions and Boy visited the paediatrician about a few issues he has, he is now being assessed for Autism. SALT are completely ignoring the issue of tics that we initially approached them for and are concentrating on less problematic areas and saying there is no problem, well no shit Sherlock, I never said she couldn’t hold a conversation and it’s this sort of battle that really gets me down.
By the end of the day the support network that I am so grateful for had rallied around and life seemed more manageable again. I received some nice messages of support, had a joke about the housework, a phone call from my parents to make sure I was OK , had a big chat about the best way forward and made a plan of action with The Hubster, had a think about the advice from my counselling sessions and had a chuckle at adversity. So yes sometimes I go backwards and it feels bloody rotten but I have discovered that despite the adversity we really are on a winning formula.