Being Frank

Exploring The Sand DunesLast year I went through a real low point. A lot of things came together and knocked me for six. For a time I felt I couldn’t cope with even the basic everyday stuff. I was suffering from depression, probably Post Adoption Depression but whatever label you give it I was at the point of breaking down completely. It can happen to the best of us, it feels debilitating. I was lucky enough to be surrounded with good people, kind people who supported me and got me back on my feet. I also took some counselling sessions which helped.

Every now and again I feel like life gets on top of me and  for periods of time I feel like I have gone right back to where I was last year, depressed, overwhelmed, unable to sleep and just downright sad. When I feel like this I can’t get things done effectively, my brain is like mush. A lot of this time I feel useless, that I am not good enough to cope with the complexities of my children. I spend a lot of time worrying about them. Sometimes I lie in bed with silent tears, not telling anybody how I feel because I don’t want to be a burden, sometimes the tears flow freely as they did yesterday. This worries The Hubster but actually as I explained the tears are good, far better to release every now and again than bottle everything up and end up having a break-down.

I try to keep my personal facebook page relatively light-hearted because people can be judgemental and I worry about being judged tremendously. I can’t help it. Yesterday I let slip I was feeling overwhelmed but I tried to make a joke about grinning and bearing it (or grimacing?). I had spent a sleepless night worrying about Girl and some school issues, some new behaviours, worrying about everyday things like making ends meet, worrying about Boy but you know it was a lot to think about, even Harry the dog was on my list of worries because he hadn’t eaten for 48 hours. This last few weeks Girl has developed some new tics and obsessions and Boy visited the paediatrician about a few issues he has, he is now being assessed for Autism. SALT are completely ignoring the issue of tics that we initially approached them for and are concentrating on less problematic areas and saying there is no problem, well no shit Sherlock, I never said she couldn’t hold a conversation and it’s this sort of battle that really gets me down.

By the end of the day the support network that I am so grateful for had rallied around and life seemed more manageable again. I received some nice messages of support, had a joke about the housework, a phone call from my parents to make sure I was OK , had a big chat about the best way forward and made a plan of action with The Hubster, had a think about the advice from my counselling sessions and had a chuckle at adversity. So yes sometimes I go backwards and it feels bloody rotten but I have discovered that despite the adversity we really are on a winning formula.

4 Responses to Being Frank

  • Sarah says:

    You could have been writing about me in this post, I relate to everything you say. I too have suffered with depression on and off due to the sometimes overwhelming issues brought about by living with our adopted children. There are so many constant worries and as soon as you might resolve one issue another arises. I think it is really important that you share how you feel with those around you so they can support you, you are no use to anyone if you go down that slippery slope. But if you do, be kind to yourself, do what needs doing and give yourself a break, you are doing an amazing job. x

    Thanks for Sharing on The Weekly Adoption Shout Out.

  • Mum of 3 boys :) says:

    Thanks for writing this. I too suffered from PAD about 4 years ago and just over the last few weeks have been heading further and further down. I have finally accepted that I’m not very well and GP has put me on some medication. It hasn’t been long enough for them to kick in so it is still feeling very difficult just to get through each day. I too have a lovely husband who is worried but also very supportive.

    I think the best thing I heard when I was here before was that even on our worst days as we show our children unconditional love albeit a bit more grumpily, we rebuild another crack in their broken beginnings. The washing/cooking/housework are all secondary to being the ones who our children look to to mend those things that are broken and we do that without thinking as we go through our normal days simply loving them.

    Thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one who can’t be supermum every day.

  • Thank you for sharing this. Like Sarah said you could have been writing this about me. I have suffered with depression on and off for several years and I am currently fighting to stop myself falling down that slippery slope again.
    I can relate to the silent tears and not wanting to feel like I would be a burden. In the past I have been very naughty and bottled everything up until I burst rather than sharing my feelings with the people who care for me the most.
    I have been quite fortunate to have developed a good working relationship with Beeswax’s therapist and she is very good at ‘bullying me’ to go easy on myself and ask for help when things are getting too much.
    Thank you for your bravery in sharing this, you sound like an amazing mother.

    Honey xxx

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