Adoptive Mummy

If I was visiting this website as a potential adopter, I might start to feel a bit apprehensive, perhaps even reconsider my options. After all, here is this blogger whose kids both came from as good a start as was seemingly possible and three years on she is posting about stress, depression, emotionally disturbed children and aggressive temper tantrums.

You know, sometimes it does feel pretty bad, as bad as it gets in fact but the good times, the little glimpses of love and shared moments make it all worthwhile and there are more of them than I probably describe.

Yes, I have suffered with depression most likely stemming from the adoptions, stress and difficult times but I think that is more to do with moments of pure self-doubt; wondering whether I am a good enough mummy for these children, beating myself up when I get it wrong and turning to comfort food when I feel low which actually makes me feel worse about myself.

That for me is the point I really want to get across more than anything, I love my kids with all my heart. If I went back with the knowledge of what was to come would I do it all again? Yes I would! This is not a negative adoption story by any means. With strength and determination we ride through the rough times, it’s bloody difficult sometimes and I literally feel like running like Forrest Gump, running, running, running but I stick it out. Do I sound cheesy enough yet?

I started the blog to show that you do have to have realistic expectations of adoption; it is never going to be an easy ride but if I was going to give any advice to potential adopters it would be this:

• Get your support network in place and don’t be surprised if in a few years your circle of supporters has changed beyond recognition!
• Be strong and show a united front with your partner. If there are any cracks in your marriage or partnership, believe me that child will find them and     poke at them incessantly, recognise that playing one parent off against the other is a skill kids are good at! If your cracks are big ones, adoption may not be the best route, do not think that having a child will repair a marriage, far from it.
• Do not be scared to admit when things are difficult, contact your post adoption support, ask for help from friends and relatives, and talk to other adopters. Sometimes if you are feeling crappy somebody else has been there, read the book and got the t-shirt.
• Don’t expect people who haven’t adopted to understand what you are going through, I do mean that in the nicest possible way but our family-making experiences are very, very different and sometimes that can make you feel a bit of an outsider. In a standard mother and toddler group the mums will be laughing and joking (or moaning) about breast-feeding, labour-pains, morning sickness and strange cravings. That is not our experience and it’s      hard to fit into a conversation when you have nothing to add and stating  ‘I never had any cravings because my daughter is adopted’ can stop a      conversation in its tracks and then following an uncomfortable silence somebody will inevitably say something like ‘oh I think you are wonderful for adopting a child, good on you, it’s such a marvellous thing to do…’.  Humph. I don’t know why but that always makes me cringe and I know it’s      always said with good intentions but it’s the line I dread the most and probably hear the most!

  At an adopted mums toddler group you can laugh and joke (and moan) about panels, social workers, foster carers, strange behaviours, eating disorders, post-box, intros, home studies… Before you even go to an adopters group you know that you all have one thing in common and it is oh so much easier to start a conversation and form      friendships when you have similar experiences.

So that’s it, my positive post. Don’t be put off by all the negative adoption stories and discussion board posts you read, generally people tend to post on forums when they need help, I do it myself but I do try within my circle of friends to celebrate the good times too and believe me there are plenty of those.

I hope other adopters will leave some comments of their positive experiences and advice too.