I Don’t Heart Weekends
I don’t heart weekends. I don’t absolutely loathe them but they are not the best days of the week. I must be the only person on the planet that looks forward to Monday morning when life is easier.
Life has been pretty relaxed and easy through the school holidays but two weekends back to school and we are back to Little Miss Attitude. Girl has woken up today in her usual Saturday morning mood of can’t do, won’t do, don’t like, glass half empty attitude that we really haven’t seen much of lately. She is unco-operative and difficult. Her games have involved fighting and brandishing weapons. Her response to every thing we have done is ’I don’t want to’ or to have a big sulk.
We are back to ‘how do we make our little girl happy? and trying to second guess every decision we make. Tonight’s decision goes as such; Girl is tired (she even said so) but wants to stay up late and watch Strictly, it’s good mummy time but if she is tired she can be difficult and it will likely end in tears and then she will also be tired tomorrow but on the other hand, as I said, it’s good mummy time. We can share some chocolates and banana milkshake and create some good memories. I remember staying up with my mum when I was little and having treats and it warms the heart to think of it. I want that for my little girl too.
I can see she is trying to be good but she just can’t help herself. So I don’t heart weekends but I do heart my kids and I am going to go with a bit of indulgence and tongue biting if it all goes horribly wrong.
Time For a New Strategy
Every now and again strategies for coping with behaviour that have worked for a while cease to have any effect and we are reaching that point in time. Our PASW has been on annual leave for a while (how do social workers get so much leave?) and has been unavailable to talk to and honestly? It’s been a difficult few weeks, hence the lack of posts, in fact I have started to write a few but struggled to put my thougts into words. We have had a number of meltdowns with many different reasons. I can only say that this is a difficult time of year, excitement over impending holidys, anxiety over saying goodbye to loved teachers, facing new challenges, new teachers, new environments, everything that really we should be avoiding. Girl’s head must be in turmoil.
Tonight we announced to Girl that she would not be attending her last day of school tomorrow and immediately it was like a weight was lifted from her shoulders. We witnessed Girl play nicely with toys, she was calm and considered, she listened and took on board suggestions about the game she was playing with her teddies and cars. This is unusual behaviour to say the least. It may have helped that Boy went to bed early because he is under the weather but she played so pleasantly that we gave her an extra hour before sending her to bed. It was lovely, a rare moment to be relished but definitely something so set the cogs whirring after such a difficult few weeks.
Tic, tic, tock
Girl is managing to keep her temper under control and I am very proud of her for that, one tiny little outburst in the past week but I have this theory. The more she is reigning in her temper the worse the tics are getting, it’s almost like a different release for what she is feeling, we are seeing new and quite specific tics being added all the time to the palilalia and zuzzing noises and I can’t help but tell her what she is doing, in the hope that she can try and take some control of them. She has no idea what she is doing of course and I know she can’t help it but I worry that people or more specifically her friends at school are going to start noticing because the tics are getting odder, more frequent and are no longer confined to noises.
Girl’s latest and most noticeable tics include repeatedly bobbing her tongue out very quickly like a snake while she is talking (and actually while she is being quiet too) and yesterday she started clicking too. I am filled with angst. On top of this the conversations are getting harder and harder, she just cannot process anything we tell her and it is frustrating to say the least.
Yesterday in the car on the way home from school I told her that a little boy from her class wanted to invite her round to play on Thursday, we ascertained that today was Monday and I got her to go slowly through the days of the week, she said Monday, Tuesday, Friday, so I got her to think about it and she did it correctly, because she can do these things but often says the first thing that comes into her head. I then repeated back to her slowly ‘so today is Monday, then Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday and then you can play at your friend’s house.’ Thirty seconds later, ‘Mummy, what day is it today?’ (I count quickly to ten in my head and try to hold in an exasperated sigh) ‘OK Girl, we already worked out what day it is so have a think about what we just talked about and tell me what day you think it is?’. ‘Thursday’ came the reply. Start over. This is pretty much a typical conversation and I find it quite difficult to cope with them, I can’t work out how to get her to process what is being told to her and keep it in.
Along with the tics we are seeing a rise in controlling, demanding and bossy behaviour and feel like the time-bomb is close to explosion but you know what? I know when it comes we will cope and that is definitely something to be positive about, no matter how bad meltdown is with a united front we get through it.
Direct Contact Issues
As you may have already read in my previous post we had a direct contact visit with Girl’s sisters and grandfather last weekend. I mentioned that Girl seems to be struggling with the arrangement and since the contact certain behaviours have started to reappear and sadly she has been on a downward spiral all week. We have had a week of walking on eggshells and despite our best efforts and creating a Super Saturday of epic proportions it has ended in a huge meltdown tonight.
Something about contact makes Girl feel unsafe and I think it’s that her sisters and grandfather are a link to her old life, a life where it’s certainly possible to lose everything you know. I think something touches her subconscious mind – perhaps the sound of grandfather’s voice or a familiar smell? So, Girl has been testing us all week, pushing the boundaries further and further and further. Tonight mid-meltdown I was told that she does not need a mommy and daddy, does not need a nanny and granddad, that we are all rubbish, that she can take care of herself. So, so sad, this to me says she has put up a protective wall around herself, is regressing back to what she feels is a safe position of trusting nobody. I don’t get hurt by these words, to me they are so useful, a clear indictation of what is going on in her mind. It’s Girl’s way of opening up to me.
So to today, it began in a bad way with lots of hyperactive behaviour and winding her brother up to manic proportions. She also tried to encourage Boy to do something very dangerous immediately after she had been warned against it herself, almost like she wanted him to hurt himself. We have had lots of repeat whispering, lying, refusal to follow simple orders or be helpful in anyway. Most of this behaviour we had seen by 9.30am this morning so we decided we need a Super Saturday, a walk in the beautiful countryside, fresh air, peace and quiet. It did work to a certain extent but we still had a lot of bossy and controlling behaviour, lots of glass half empty moaning (which drives me to distraction, it doesn’t matter what or how much we do Girl can always find something to moan about).
The behaviour once home immediately escalated again and ended up in a meltdown at bedtime, always a difficult time because she does actually have some control here, I can’t exactly pin her to the bed and force her to go to sleep and boy does she know it!
It has taken me two hours to calm her down tonight, I kept my cool whilst being attacked physically and stayed true to my Poker Face method, which although works I actually hate with a passion. It seems so wrong that I have to sit in the doorway to block exit from the room, that I have to keep some distance at a time when really she probably needs some comfort, I wish I could just give her a cuddle and talk to her about what is bothering her but the closeness just exacerbates the problem. It seems the best I can do for her is to just contain her in her room and let her fight it out until she is exhausted, it seems far from ideal to me but at the very least it gives me some control.
Tonight it felt like after a month of very good behaviour that we were back at square one. Based on last time I used the routine (which was also the first time) I am predicting that tomorrow night we will have more of the same but to a lesser extent, that it will take less time to calm down, that she will need to push the boundaries again to test whether she can trust me to have the same reaction (i.e. none) , that I will still love her and care for her no matter what she does.
I do not know what to do about the contact issue. I guess what we will have to do is just ride the storm, at least we know to prepare ourselves. In time I am sure that Girl will come to trust us and appreciate the continued contact.
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