Adoptive Mummy

We have had a bad weekend. The like of which we have not had for a long time. I would like to blame it on recent events but if I’m honest I’m not sure I can. We appeared to be dealing with the loss of grandad pretty well and nothing had changed to provoke the outbursts we had on Saturday.

However one thing happened that should have been a good thing and was something we had discussed previously with our PASW but has me inwardly thinking ‘surely not?’.

On Friday afternoon my little girl had her usual after school soccer training, which she absolutely loves, she really puts 100% effort into it and has always been a little disappointed at not winning one of the coveted trophies at the end of each half term. Each child gets a medal for good playing but two children, one girl, one boy get a trophy too. This Friday Girl won the trophy for Best Girl Player. I think she was pleased and proud but oddly she didn’t come bursting through the door the same way as when she won a certificate for Dancer of the Week, ‘Mom, Mom, look what I got, look what I got!’. I have to add that dance club she can take or leave so the difference in behaviour was puzzling but I just took it as tiredness after a long day; she had also been on a school trip that day.

I took some photos of her holding the trophy and medal and published them to my facebook page to share with close friends and relatives. I looked at the photos after I had uploaded them and thought to myself ‘why does she not look happy?’. Girl was smiling but her eyes were what I call ‘hooded’. When she is not happy she half closes her eyes when she is smiling, it’s like she is hiding what she really feels inside. A bad sign. The Hubster was so pleased and proud of her I did not immediately mention what I thought to him, not until after what happened next but other people noticed the same as me and remarked discreetly about it.

The next day started badly, everything was moaned at. Getting in the bath, getting out of the bath. Everything was exxagerated. Getting out of the bath Girl didn’t just lift her leg over the side of the bath, she kicked it and stretched it out as far as she could, kicking Boy in the head in the process, not on purpose but she had lost all concept of being aware of other people and how her actions might affect them. It might not sound like much but these are the little clues that we know so well, a total absorption in herself, a downbeat mood.

It was a busy morning, I had to go to Sainsburys and Girl’s grandad had come round to help with some little jobs, including putting Girl’s new shelves up so she could display her trophy and other treasures. I returned from the supermarket to find Girl in full insolent and uncooperative mood, refusing to tidy her desk so that grandad could put her shelves up. I was tempted at this point to go straight back out of the door, I knew what I had been anticipating had started. What followed I can only describe as pure rage. I was attacked like an animal by my little girl, punched, kicked, bitten and screamed at. All plans for the rest of the day (some important ones too) were put on hold.

This happened twice during the course of the day. It was traumatising  for every one of us and really put a strain on the whole household. I ended  up having a row over nothing with the hubster, walking out and sitting on a park bench crying and thinking why? what if? what happened here? In some ways it felt as though it came out of nowhere but did it?

I was talking some months back about attachment disorder and self-esteem with my PASW after a different incident, something I had read in a book and we discussed and she confirmed. About feelings of ‘not being good enough’. About sabotage. This whole incident could apply to that. Girl wins a trophy, Girl is confused because inside she does not feel that she is deserving of the trophy. She sabotages any good feelings by behaving badly, by being so upset by the feelings she has that it develops into a real rage.

Surely not? Sometimes I like to think to myself that Girl does not have attachment issues, that maybe I imagine it all but she is like a text book case and an incident like this brings reality crashing around our ears. Why are we not getting help for this? What happens when Girl is older and she decides to sock me in the eye, thump or kick me like she did on Saturday? At six she is very, very strong. At twelve, well I dread to think what she will be capable of if we do not get this under control. Will she have a temper like her birth father? Does that combined with her feelings of inadequacy just make for more rage? Our SALTist has told me that Girl is complex. Our PASW has told us that she is complex. So where is the help? I am thankful that for the most part we are controlling this but the incidents have been building back up in frequency and I am worried. This afternoon my mum and dad are taking the kids out for a half term treat. The minute they leave I am back on the phone to the Community Paediatrician to beg for some help.